Monday, 1 November 2010

all the time, i look around. i see the people around me.
and then i feel.. envious perhaps.
i see all they have, and then i listen them out, listening to what they have to say.
complaints.
then i find myself, sometimes unconsciously, saying to myself: don't you see how much you already have?
then i feel that i have so little. nothing.
then i wonder to myself, am i like them? do i fail to see what make me so fortunate, what THEY would do anything for?

the same way i'd do anything for something of theirs?
every once in a while, i decided to voice this opinion of mine.
and it's unnerving.
i get either get "hm, i don't know either", or i'm told to value something that they think i have, but i know that i don't.
if someone were to ask me, "what are you good at", "what are you proud of", "what makes you happy", "what keeps you going"
i honestly wouldn't know. i don't know how to answer these questions.
sometimes i'd try to think, what am i good at. everyone i know is good at something or has something. something to value.
then i search for something within me, i search for example for something i'm good at. i think of something, i shoot it down, too many people are better than me.
i search for value and meaning. i see none.
am i blind to my own good points, my own redeeming qualities?
or do i truly lack them.
i do not know.
deep down, i know i'm fragile inside.
i require approval, affirmation.
i just wear a mask
i'm not as strong as i seem.
---
i think you're really lucky. i think you have way more than most.
yet sometimes you seem sad.
i think maybe it's because you've always had so much.
maybe.
i find myself trying to comfort you, feeling sorry.
but i know you have more than i do.
because i'm giving you a gift i know i do not have.

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